People of the Week, Issue 1

Good Afternoon,

As Director of Photography, I would like to  bring to you a newly weekly segment we have labeled, "People of the Week." In this feature, numerous historical figures will be selected and their life and times will be commented on. The Board will then do its damn best to relate these said figures to those who reside at the...whatever this house is called, as well as those who disregard their own safety and chose to have some sort of relationship with members of the Durland house.

This weeks historical figures:

1) Simo Häyhä (December 17, 1905 – April 1, 2002)

John Preston
"I am a numbers man and I am a visual man." That's what JPO said, before his latest departure into the back country. Well, here are some numbers for you: 505 Soviets in under 100 days. That's how many Simo Häyhä snipped in the Winter War defending Finland from the Reds. Imagine the -20 to -40 degrees C temp and limited daylight. Ok, don't even try because you can't. For those of you who are not "numbers men," that's over 5 kills per day. And JP has indeed been able to visualize the future of the market(s), using his 20/20 foresight to make a killing. Numbers don't lie. So raise a Molotov Cocktail to the laconic man known as "White Death" and our own number crunching defender, for they both have sisu, the Finnish word for intestinal fortitude. Now JP just has to work on his abdominal fortitude.

2) 鴨 長明 Kamo no Chomei (1153 or 1155–1216)

Zachary (Jack the Liar)

The Japanese culture has many defining characteristics and unique facets, but perhaps none are more celebrated within the archipelago as the art of taiko drumming and poetry (typically not simultaneously). Our very own drummer/poet graces the halls of the main floor everyday, but only after he slaves away at his "sarari man" job at a mega-corporation. Does it get anymore Japanese than that? All I am saying is, if Zack starts planning a trip to Hawaii, we may want to alert the aircraft carriers.

Kamo no Chomei was a poet and a recluse, hermit-type o' guy. He was supposed to be the head of this Shinto shrine in Kyoto, but it turns out, he got passed up for that big promotion. So, he found himself all alone, writing poetry in the woods. The Emperor liked his shit and threw him a few bones. However, he chose to withdraw from court life and became a Buddhist monk who sat in a hut and wrote stuff, specifically the Hōjōki. And damn could he write. The Hōjōki chronicled the disasters that befell Kyoto during his lifetime and really, Jack the Liar is our chronicler, our wizard of words. So raise a glass of sake, for Kamo no Chomei and Zachary both expertly express 無常 (mujō), the impermanence of our world.

3) კამო (ბოლშევიკი) Kamo (Semeno Arshakovitch Ter-Petrossian)
(May 27, 1882 – July 14, 1922)

Jeffrey

Kamo was a man who faked his own insanity for over three years by eating his own fecal matter. Stalin said of him, "He could bear any pain, an astonishing person." Lenin said, "I have a job. I need a man who, if he is caught by the Tsar's police, will not give away anything." He was sent Kamo. The 1907 Tiflis Bank Robbery was his masterpiece. He arrived in a carriage dressed as a cavalry officer and gave orders to the local military forces, telling them everything was safe, when in fact he was stealing the money in front of their eyes.

Where else have you seen this degree of stubbornness, attention to detail, and creativity? Chone Figgins? No, silly goose, we have all born witness to this potent mixture in the daily antics of our little Kamo, Jeff Whitney. After the success of the Revolution, Kamo was bored. So he got the bigwigs in the Kremlin to give him a gang to rob banks in other countries. Jeffrey, too, is asking the Bolsheviks of the IT world to give him the ways and means to follow his dreams. For Kamo, that was robbing banks. For Jeff, it means getting enough money to buy Carly Rae Jepsen tickets. So raise a glass of...poop? Forget it.

4) Յուսուֆ Քարշ Yousuf Karsh (December 23, 1908 – July 13, 2002)

Michael

The most famous portrait photographer who once lived on our fare planet, Yousuf Karsh was an Armenian-Canadian (I know, that's quite a combo, right?) whose photographs of famous figures continue to allow us to see celebrities in such a way that know one else could provide us with. What image do you see when you think of Winston Churchill, Alfred Einstein, or the Canadian rockers Rush? Chances are, it's influenced by one of Karsh's portraits (except for Rush-- I just think of squirrels).

Imitating Karsh, Michael strives for excellence in his preparation of garlic fries. Karsh was a master of lighting. Michael is a master of light seasoning. There are a few perks for such craftsmen. When your occupation is a blend of art with the glamor of the service industry, well, chicks dig it. They might not know how to express that yet, but we are certain that they do. Through his portraits, Karsh was able to reveal the essence of his subjects, to show their secret that was hidden with in them. Through his dedication to garlic fries, Michael can't really to jack shit, but make about $10/hour. Look, all we are trying to say is that they have unique talents that help people realize new things about the world we live in. Yummmm... garlic on my pants still tastes good even after the game! Who would have known? Thanks, Michael. So raise a glass of Crown Royal to the dude who lights up our lives, MPT.

5) Temür Timur (April 8, 1336 – February 18, 1405)

Lars Lee

The sudden ascendancy to power of Lars within the Durland house reflects the sudden rise to power of Timur in Central Asia during the 14th century CE. Like Lars, Timur was a Turk, or that is to say, a descendant of nomadic peoples and hated by Gabe. He would fight wars for 35 years, campaigning across the Asian continent. Despite his supposed residence in Durland, Lars has campaigned in far away lands for close to 35 days, fighting to subjugate the Christian Kingdom of Natalia. Timur was highly principled; he claimed to be a devote Muslim. Lars is principled; he is a devote Domianist. Timur was a supporter of the arts. Lars has art in his room. Timur was lame. Lars has one, big testicle. Whoops, I mean, Lars has one big testicle. It remains to be seen whether Lars can develop a governing system for the swaths of territory he has conquered. This consolidation will be key in order to prevent rebellions from becoming too widespread. Sometimes is seems like the multicultural residents of the upstairs sector do not share enough in common and cannot be united, even under such a tactical genius such as LLP. Michael speaks Persian, Jeff speaks Mongolian, and Lars speaks Chagatai Turkish. Timur remains a controversial figure. It is up to Lars to bring peace and prosperity to the highlands, or his reign will be as short as Tamerlane's. So let's raise a glass of goat's blood in honor of our iconoclastic strategist, Lars Lee.


NEXT WEEK: Gabriel, Keyan and the girlfriends...