Week 8 Power Rankings
Ladies and Gentlemen,
1: Keyan
Fell courage and the braveness of charity. Keyan dared kindnesses of heart and purse with no promise of reciprocity. He drove to the river, and bought a torrent of liquor. He provided a party where before there was none, through his cousins and connections to the Teigan and Erins of the world. For the precious metal of his heart, flecked with tints of pedophilia, the board has given Keyan a fifth the sickly sweet nectar Goldschlaggers.
2: J.P.
Knowledge, as Cersei Lannister decreed, is not power. Yet Littlefinger was a little right. Knowledge can be power, provided it is sufficient and actionable. Knowledge alone is insufficient, unless we know how and when to act upon it. In JP's first blog post he began this process of ontological inquiry, daring each of us to consider what truly matters. And what matters to the Board is pandering; pandering and posts. JP also managed to do some serious introspection, determining what matters to himself. He shed his superficial magazine concepts of body image, and ceased his silly diet. He took part in the great cleanings, and brought art to Durland with his mother's paintings. For this distinguished class, and timeless wisdom, JP gets a snifter of brandy.
Knowledge, as Cersei Lannister decreed, is not power. Yet Littlefinger was a little right. Knowledge can be power, provided it is sufficient and actionable. Knowledge alone is insufficient, unless we know how and when to act upon it. In JP's first blog post he began this process of ontological inquiry, daring each of us to consider what truly matters. And what matters to the Board is pandering; pandering and posts. JP also managed to do some serious introspection, determining what matters to himself. He shed his superficial magazine concepts of body image, and ceased his silly diet. He took part in the great cleanings, and brought art to Durland with his mother's paintings. For this distinguished class, and timeless wisdom, JP gets a snifter of brandy.
3: Lars
Every great outfit needs a guide, a Bilbo Baggins, a Sacajawea. Someone who's been there and back, even if only in a dream. Lars dared to dream of a drunken flotilla, a Durland armada transported to the far and savage land of The Ellensburg Valley. Audacious as this dream once seemed, the wise Yakima was pacific and generous, cradling us safely through the hilly pass. The perils we were warned of, swift currents and low branches, proved nothing more than a boogieman in the night. Like a highball, which appears intoxicating, but is in fact mostly mixer, Lars always manages to play it safe while seeming daring. For his mastery in the appearance of motion while remaining still, Lars gets a tall glass of Caribou Lou.
Every great outfit needs a guide, a Bilbo Baggins, a Sacajawea. Someone who's been there and back, even if only in a dream. Lars dared to dream of a drunken flotilla, a Durland armada transported to the far and savage land of The Ellensburg Valley. Audacious as this dream once seemed, the wise Yakima was pacific and generous, cradling us safely through the hilly pass. The perils we were warned of, swift currents and low branches, proved nothing more than a boogieman in the night. Like a highball, which appears intoxicating, but is in fact mostly mixer, Lars always manages to play it safe while seeming daring. For his mastery in the appearance of motion while remaining still, Lars gets a tall glass of Caribou Lou.
4: Zack
"That's what happens when you help someone," Don Draper once said. "The succeed and move on." AS fraught and conflicted as Jon Hamm in Mad Men, this week saw the realization of many of the author's goals. Increased communal living, grand exploits, back to cooking and a significant uptick in blog usage and participation. But happiness, as Mr. Draper said, is just another moment until you need more happiness. For his dour and overly contemplative funk, the author gets an old fashioned.
"That's what happens when you help someone," Don Draper once said. "The succeed and move on." AS fraught and conflicted as Jon Hamm in Mad Men, this week saw the realization of many of the author's goals. Increased communal living, grand exploits, back to cooking and a significant uptick in blog usage and participation. But happiness, as Mr. Draper said, is just another moment until you need more happiness. For his dour and overly contemplative funk, the author gets an old fashioned.
5: Jeff
The fracas of Obama's Nobel Prize comes to mind this week. With so much good will and magnanimity, it seems only right that Jeff should garner the 5 spot. He made the astute observation that I am, in fact, Megamind. He took part in the Great and Grant Cleaning, and most importantly, he assumed and embraced his role as the Docktater. Yet most of what this position represents is his unfettered potential. Jeff could, in the next few weeks, soar to the top of these rankings on a regular basis. The position of Port Commissioner is an important and powerful one. If well executed, he could very well be the Gael Tarleton of Durland. For his brash bravado and enthusiasm, Jeff is a body shot of Jose Cuervo off of a sculpted male model.
The fracas of Obama's Nobel Prize comes to mind this week. With so much good will and magnanimity, it seems only right that Jeff should garner the 5 spot. He made the astute observation that I am, in fact, Megamind. He took part in the Great and Grant Cleaning, and most importantly, he assumed and embraced his role as the Docktater. Yet most of what this position represents is his unfettered potential. Jeff could, in the next few weeks, soar to the top of these rankings on a regular basis. The position of Port Commissioner is an important and powerful one. If well executed, he could very well be the Gael Tarleton of Durland. For his brash bravado and enthusiasm, Jeff is a body shot of Jose Cuervo off of a sculpted male model.
6:Mikey
He was a champion of cleaning, stood among the select drunk while rafting, and did further work as the Director of Photography. However, we still haven't seen the second post. It's been almost two weeks, Mr. Thompson. The Board believed in you last week. It trusted that you deserved your silver spot, despite "delegating" the lawn mowing duties to kourosh. Yet here you are, in the six spot and postless. What the board lacks in transparency, it certainly compensates for in consistency and predictability. It loves blog posts. Last weeks post you wrote was arguably the best the house hunt has seen. You've heard us clamor. Now give us more. For your inscrutable refusal to pander, your militant pride and your exaltation of yesteryear's heroes, you get a stiff glass of whiskey. The best whiskey, Pappy Van Winkle's 35 year.
He was a champion of cleaning, stood among the select drunk while rafting, and did further work as the Director of Photography. However, we still haven't seen the second post. It's been almost two weeks, Mr. Thompson. The Board believed in you last week. It trusted that you deserved your silver spot, despite "delegating" the lawn mowing duties to kourosh. Yet here you are, in the six spot and postless. What the board lacks in transparency, it certainly compensates for in consistency and predictability. It loves blog posts. Last weeks post you wrote was arguably the best the house hunt has seen. You've heard us clamor. Now give us more. For your inscrutable refusal to pander, your militant pride and your exaltation of yesteryear's heroes, you get a stiff glass of whiskey. The best whiskey, Pappy Van Winkle's 35 year.
7: Unity
Exemplified best by the house meeting on Wednesday night, it became clear that our house has mad the transition from a brittle collection of scattered twigs to a faggot. We are putting our collective best interest over our individual needs, and the Board couldn't be happier. Cleaning, board games, the bonding on the river... all signs of the Unity which has arisen between us. A house divided cannot stand, but this land is Durland. This land is our land. From Cirith Ungol to the jam band basement. So raise a frosted glass of Ranier, and make a toast with those sweet Yakima valley hops.
Exemplified best by the house meeting on Wednesday night, it became clear that our house has mad the transition from a brittle collection of scattered twigs to a faggot. We are putting our collective best interest over our individual needs, and the Board couldn't be happier. Cleaning, board games, the bonding on the river... all signs of the Unity which has arisen between us. A house divided cannot stand, but this land is Durland. This land is our land. From Cirith Ungol to the jam band basement. So raise a frosted glass of Ranier, and make a toast with those sweet Yakima valley hops.
8:Gabe
Gabe's final chance to crack the top ten, and he did so even without Keyan's help. He, like Ichiro, has more singles in Japan and America combined, than anyone. And he proved this week that he can still hustle out a trip to first base. He was a steady and strong presence while rafting, and has certainly earned a spot if only for the cummulation of all his time spent in Durland. For his sloppy and puppy like enthusiasm, Gabe gets a tall boy of Natty's Ice and our fondest farewells.
Gabe's final chance to crack the top ten, and he did so even without Keyan's help. He, like Ichiro, has more singles in Japan and America combined, than anyone. And he proved this week that he can still hustle out a trip to first base. He was a steady and strong presence while rafting, and has certainly earned a spot if only for the cummulation of all his time spent in Durland. For his sloppy and puppy like enthusiasm, Gabe gets a tall boy of Natty's Ice and our fondest farewells.
9: Yolo
This new wave philosophy informed so much of the week that was- it's hard to imagine that 14 year olds have been embracing YOLO for months. What else could cause Keyan's spontaneous great Alcohol Purchase? Why else would we risk life, limb and liquor in the grand Yakima? How could you explain four otherwise intelligent men intentionally nutting themselves in an attempt to get digits for keyan? We put the live in YOLO this week, and, combined with the house wide obsession with Carly Rae Jepson and handjobs, are now officially in middle school. In the spirit of YOLO, an Earls Long Island Iced Tea.
This new wave philosophy informed so much of the week that was- it's hard to imagine that 14 year olds have been embracing YOLO for months. What else could cause Keyan's spontaneous great Alcohol Purchase? Why else would we risk life, limb and liquor in the grand Yakima? How could you explain four otherwise intelligent men intentionally nutting themselves in an attempt to get digits for keyan? We put the live in YOLO this week, and, combined with the house wide obsession with Carly Rae Jepson and handjobs, are now officially in middle school. In the spirit of YOLO, an Earls Long Island Iced Tea.
10: Passivity
God may not have granted me the wisdom to change what I can, and accept what I can't. But this house, and the no-drama collection o gentlemen who inhabit it, are tutoring me. No utility bills yet? No problem. Oven doesn't work? No biggie. To some degree it's a hindrance... we have three housemates who are under-or unemployed. But they do what the can, accept what the can't, and play board games at night. Perhaps this passivity was most clear in the slack lining incident. Like Harpies, or lesser Circes, two attractive twenty somethings managed to snare us all in our tracks, as we prostrated ourselves on their loose roped altar. We were helpless in their power, and new it, but didn't fight. Except for Mikey, who passive aggressively just sat on a log twenty feet away. For the blank receptivity of our reactionary mindset, drink from the roofie Laced Red Solo Cup and embrace your limitations.
God may not have granted me the wisdom to change what I can, and accept what I can't. But this house, and the no-drama collection o gentlemen who inhabit it, are tutoring me. No utility bills yet? No problem. Oven doesn't work? No biggie. To some degree it's a hindrance... we have three housemates who are under-or unemployed. But they do what the can, accept what the can't, and play board games at night. Perhaps this passivity was most clear in the slack lining incident. Like Harpies, or lesser Circes, two attractive twenty somethings managed to snare us all in our tracks, as we prostrated ourselves on their loose roped altar. We were helpless in their power, and new it, but didn't fight. Except for Mikey, who passive aggressively just sat on a log twenty feet away. For the blank receptivity of our reactionary mindset, drink from the roofie Laced Red Solo Cup and embrace your limitations.
Bottom Billion: Safety
An indipendent auditor would have a hay day with this week, lacking safety in rafting, drinking, slack lining and stomach aches. With total disregard to our corporeal prisons, we sought higher truths of the spirit and soul, at the cost of health. Mikey was hit hardest, but we all felt the turgid withering of our energies due to inadequate safety measures. And you know what? It was worth it. Safety is in the bottom billion, with a Virgin Appletini, light on the tini, heavy on the apple.
Pictures to come, and much love for you all. The board approves, and the dude abides.
An indipendent auditor would have a hay day with this week, lacking safety in rafting, drinking, slack lining and stomach aches. With total disregard to our corporeal prisons, we sought higher truths of the spirit and soul, at the cost of health. Mikey was hit hardest, but we all felt the turgid withering of our energies due to inadequate safety measures. And you know what? It was worth it. Safety is in the bottom billion, with a Virgin Appletini, light on the tini, heavy on the apple.
Pictures to come, and much love for you all. The board approves, and the dude abides.
Love it love it love it. Keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeleteWhat's that bit about harpies in the passivity part?
ReplyDeleteJeff, we were hanging out at Matthews Beach, and on our way out we got trapped by some attractive 21 year olds. We all (except for Mikey) rallied to get Keyan their digits.
ReplyDelete