Week 9 Power Rankings

Ladies and Gentlemen,

“Siddhartha greeted her, and she lifted her head and looked up to him with a smile so that he saw the white in her eyes glistening. He called out a blessing to her, as it is the custom among travelers, and asked how far he still had to go to reach the large city. Then she got up and came to him, beautifully her wet mouth was shimmering in her young face. She exchanged humorous banter with him, asked whether he had eaten already, and whether it was true that the Samanas slept alone in the forest at night and were not allowed to have any women with them. While talking, she put her left foot on his right one and made a movement as a woman does who would want to initiate that kind of sexual pleasure with a man, which the textbooks call ‘climbing a tree.’ Siddhartha felts his blood heating up, and… he bent slightly down to the woman and kissed with his lips the brown nipple of her breast. Looking up, he saw her face smiling full of lust and her eyes, with contracted pupils, begging with desire.”

Siddhartha, Herman Hesse.

It’s summer, now, and the sweet fruit of the earth is laying itself bare and prostrate, supplicating for the pulsing bands of sun to enter its flesh and reach its stone or seed. Let’s talk about week 9, and lets talk about sex.

1: Anticipation
The waiting is the hardest part… especially since the part is hardest when waiting. We have so much to look forward to, and the tension is building. JP and Lars are awaiting the results from their CFA exam. Zack is counting down the days till his visit to Friday Harbor, and his birthday party. Likewise, Keyan can hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of bring his slack-lining prospects to Durland. Jeff is biding his time until his first “hit” arrives, and Mikey is a Colorado forest, kindling waiting to catch. Seriously, his erratic behavior is either a nod to underlying instability, or perversely silly nature. Maybe the upcoming fillet cup will be the match that sparks his pending crazy blaze. For all this pent up desire, anticipation takes the top spot, and earns the sexual act: Dry Humping.

2: Amanda

When house-members outside of the Fab Five crack the top 5, it shows grit and passion. This week, Amanda arrived at Durland with those in spades. She went straight from roughing it on Friday Harbor to camping in Chelan. No sleeping bags or pillows? No problem. She was at the house, or camping, for 6 out of the 7 days of the week, and that consistency belies the board’s rationale for granting her the silver spot. She granted the house the gift of instant carbonation, and made Durland a cleaner, happier place. She Settled for the first time, and shouldn’t settle for anything less than a top 2 spot. Her position for the week is woman on top, with a twist. Reverse Cowgirl.

3: Zack

The Big Air champ, and the Chest Hair king. He balanced his relational obligations, his familial obligations and his settler fascination. He put this power ranking out on time, by taking time from his precious mock drafts to synthesize the Board’s findings. (Speaking of which, I just drafted Ray Rice/Jamaal Charles/Roddy White/Mike Vick for my first four picks. Score!) For this feat of balance, and his typical grace, Zack gets the Lotus Position.
4: Keyan

After a stunning number one, Keyan managed to remain in the top 5 by providing transportation, planning and BLT consumption for the Chelan Shennanigans (not to be confused with Shalane Flanagan.) He has continued contact with the Slack Lining gals, and even managed to leave an impression on the Slide Water employee. He was a valiant adversary on the Downhill Racing course, and his alcohol is still fueling Durland. For his furious diligence in matters of the boudoir, Keyan gets the Piledriver.

5: Painfully Obvious
Clad in the drab, gray garb of, “duh”, this week was full of confirmations which we could have lived without. Mermaids don’t exist. Thanks, NOAA. JoPa knew about the Sandusky stuff. Walking in on Sandusky horsing around with boys in the shower was actually not his first clue. Should we be shocked? The Fed has decided to… stay the course! Mitt Romney, while the CEO, president and majority shareholder of Bain, was involved with Bain. For being so remarkably unremarkable, the painfully obvious gets missionary.

6:Lars
A dilemma is defined as a situation in which one is offered multiple choices, none of which are acceptable. Lars has been stuck in a Zen koan. He is being told to be at his Ballard house, Natalie’s house, work, and the Durland house… all at the same time. His response is something only a Zen master could derive, “Underwear time!” What a mu. What a man. A man being split between opposing forces: also known as the “Lucky Pierre.”

7: Mikey 
Mikey is like an emerging market. He could become a giant among men, with his vast and irreproachable knowledge and sharp analytical skills. He is, as of this writing, number one in Dots-not-including-Lol-and-asterisks, and yet something is missing. Maybe it’s JP’s hunger for money, or the author’s fear of falling. He is a changed being, a chimera. Will he possess the magic and strength of the fabled half breeds in the greek tradition, or is he an enfeebled mutant donkey? He missed out on camping, and has been working quite a bit, but also cooked a delicious and civilized meal to celebrate the camper’s return. He has limitless potential, but he has yet to finish. So,  he gets the position which most epitomizes the promise of more to come, for all parties involved. 69.

8:JP
Patriphile and handyman. He finished his room, and cleaned the house, but was absent from camping and much else this week. His dedication to so many people, and the urge to satisfy all parties involved, led to a tragedy of the commons. He was like a scrap of man-meat being picked at by a pack of jackals. He was a rusty trombone.




9: Now That’s What I Call Divorce 
Entropy, as a universal law of physics, is not swayed by weekly power rankings, or even the Board. However, this week it came out in force, dissolving the binds that tied Cruise and Holmes and Microsoft and NBC. Not only that, we lurched one step closer to the inevitable dissolution of the Eurozone, that Mormon monstrosity of polygamy in the east. Divorce has strewn much sorrow across our mortal plane this week, let’s just hope that it can teach autofellatio to those who it has hurt.






10: Jeff
L.A.N. parties. Not Local Access Network, but Leave of Absence for Nerdiness. Jeff decided that it was more important to L.O.L. in the Rose City than to hang out in Metrocity with his megamind. The whole point of the internet is that you can access it from anywhere. Not only was he absent from the house for a majority of the week, those days when he was in attendance he accumulated a highly disproportionate amount of docks. Jeff, this weak was week. You’ve been docked, and get docking.
 
Bottom Billion: Cults

The Tom Cruise missile’s detonation hurt Scientology. The Mormons continued to languish, as their Robo-candidate continues to struggle with human emotions. The EU fell to infighting, and seems on the verge of a schism. It was a bad week for cults of all sorts. They were effed in the a, puppy style.