Week 7 Power Rankings

Week 7 Power Rankings

Ladies and Gentlemen,

"To all to whom these blog posts come, we the Board send greeting.
What follows are the power rakings for the house of Durland.

The Stile of this House shall not be "The Creamatorium."

So begins the Articles of Confederation for our house (currently on loan and unavaliable for perusal.) To honor the brave founding fathers who risked their lives and slaves by signing the national equivalency, and in honor of the 4th, this week's Power Rankings are presented by The Dead White Men Society. These rankings reflect actions from the week of the 29th to the 5th.

1: Kourosh

Like a sneaker male (http://71blue.blogspot.com/), Kourosh has managed to swoop the top spot by mowing our front yard under the cover of darkness. For his temperance in allowing our disheveled gardening to cast a blight upon his property, and for his willingness to do the necessary, he has surely earned this top position. He most certainly sits on a secret council of trade and business, and engages in highly unethical activities (hiding his rotting mother in law beneath our floorboards) to achieve great fortune. For this reason, we appoint him the honorary Robert Morris, the slave trading real estate tycoon who ran the shadow economy of the early pre-union colonies.
Mr. Morris eventually fell to ruin after he landed in debtor's prison due to poor land speculation. What else could you call a multi-thousand dollar carport made out of hand crafted mondo-lincoln logsand built by inept "artists," all so he can drink beer and play ping-pong alone?

2: Mikey

His strong contribution to the blog catapulted him into the sweet second spot, though the decision was a highly contested one among the board. His own inconstant gardening forced Kourosh's hand in the Front Yard Fiasco. Perhaps this was a machiavellian ploy, displaying how important the gardener is to our house's future. Perhaps he was just frequently drunk, as the strongest imbiber in the house (by far, I might add.) Some revile him as a genius and a true nad loyl Durlander. Others see him as a partisan rabble rousing propraganda artist with a penchance for port and whiskey. Who else could represent this but the inscrutable Sam Adams?

3: Zack

Bravely fording through the unwashed and hideous masses at the Fourth of July. Vanquishing his foes on the field of Ice Game.

 Ugly teeth and a deep concern for maintaining harmony amidst the house. Complete disregard to his own health, and refusal to change into warm and dry clothes after riding home. I bankrolled the house's rent this month, and have been providing sustenance for weeks. My love for this Durland of the free is undying. This was a week of reluctant effort for the author, and is best personified by the ugly and stoic Grand General himself, the original G.W.

4: Lars He hosted the Fourth of July barbecue, and is by all appearances a true and well loved member of the house. Yet who knows what goes on in the Apartment at night, when the door is locked? All data is lost in a black hole, and there is speculation that Lars is up to no good. Yet he planned the floating, the fourth, and led with a strong and capable arm. Similarly, John Adams navigated America through her fledgling international crisis, the quasi war with France. Modern historians, however, speculate that much of this was hyperbole and grandstanding; that Adams played chicken in order to win. The alien and sedition acts stand as one of the most controversial moments in our history, and the fog fo time keeps Adam's intentions veiled. To the man we think is "Lars," the board grants John Adams and the clean up position.

5: Unconventional Games The Ice Game, Cards Against Humanity Pictionary, Whatever-the-hell-it's-called-when-Jeff-and-Gabe-grope-eachother, Keyan's Quest for adolescent adoration... this week was full of unconventional games. They all originate, however, in a firm core belief in rules (3-5-8) (no letters, symbols, numbers) (wear a condom) (16 and older need not apply), and conviction. Likewise, early America had a chancelor of subterfuge, who mastered the politics of nation formation while holding to his morals. John Jay, my personal favorite found father. As the secretary of foreign affairs, he had to manage our outstanding national debt while estabilshing the panoply of colonies as a unified nation and legitimate trading partner to our allies overseas. He had to fend off terriorial claims by the Spaniards, French, Brits and even Newfoundlands. He was our first chief justice, and was charged with creating the myriad rules and procedures which dictate our legal system to this day. He became the most hated man in the colonies when he brokered his eponymous treaty with the Brits, and earned the US our "Most Favored Nation" status. Throughout, he held onto his firm abolotionist convictions and eventually managed to outlaw slavery in his home state of New York before the nineteenth century. A patriot and visionary if ever the was one, and the perfect man to honor our week of psuedo-games.

6:Jeff Our resident tinker,tailor, physicist, spy. He pulls the shadow strings which direct our actions, and hides away in his Menlow Park apartment upstairs. Boisterous and kind of an asshole, his whims dictate every aspect of our life, and he is a constant factor in our day to day decisions. However, he holds a bizare set of vritues very similar to the man to the right. Ben Franklin, at the age of 20, decided to live by a code of self written virtues, including "Temperance, Silence, Order, Industry, Justice, Cleanliness Humiliy and Chastity." Granted, some don't apply directly, but Jeff is like all great supervillians, in that his own pervese sense of justice and virtuosity is upheld, although it may not often overlap with the mores of his time.  

7: 19 Year Old Girls They have assumed a prominent role in the collective house concerns, thanks to Keyan's rapidly approaching IPO. We've devolved into that most inane and timeless art, of trying to scrut the inscrutable, eff the uneffable. As much as you may want to eff them, you can't. To honor this, the board has given 19 year old girls the occult number 7, and annointed them with the hotly debated and contended intent prez,  Thomas Jefferson. He too sought the carnal pleasures of younger women, when he became a widower and sired multiple children with Sally the Slave. He died peniless and disgraced, all because of 19 year old Girls. Let him serve as a lesson to you, Keyan. Beware their destructive power.

8: Keyabe The chimera of Keyabe had another relevent, if middling, week. Keyan ran away at night, and planned a hasty party. Gabe mumbled softly regarding an upcoming at bat, and they performed their primary function: Being There. Peter Sellers would be proud indeed of these affable gentlemen. In honor of their time spent watching over children and babez at various beaches and pools throughout our fair city, they are honored by James Madison, the distant relative of Madison Murphy and the namesake of one of our public parks.

9: Herstory Our house herstorian was spot on in his assessments in the first installment of "Famous People." The board is thrilled with the level of engagement that this has created in the blog, and the degree to which it inspired historical inquiry this week. For the flourish of grace and artistic power that yesteryear has brought to our house, herstory is personified by John Hancock. Insert joke here. Insert Hancock here.

10: JP  Not only did JP pull a Lars this week, in disappearing for 5 days, he did so in a manner which would certainly have pissed off those of the founding fathers who lived into the 1830's. He went to a Mormon compound. Who knows what bacchanalian rites were performed, sans alcohol and pre-marital sex, of course. But still. Wild, unpatriotic and most importantly, NOT AT THE HOUSE. To remind him of the true spirit of American vitriol and racism, and the degree to which the Board frowns upon those who go against the grain, JP jas been bestowed Andrew Jackson, not a founding father per se, but he served in the Revolutionary War at the age of 13, and as the president enacted Thomas Jefferson's American Indian Act to justify his genocide.

Bottom Billion: Tolerance This week we learned that Auschwitz is not a universally recognized term, Jeff sank to new lows in his quest of 'Most Offensive Ever' and the house devolved into burr after burr. To honor this, Tolerance is given Alexander Hamilton. Not as pun, referring to his fight with Aaron Burr, but as an inspiration. Many LGBT historians believe that the affair which led to the now famous dual was actually America's first beard. Hamilton was blackmailed, and then confessed to having an affair with the wife of his accuser. However, letters show he had a passionate relationship with a man, and speculation runs rampant that this was the true nature of the blackmail. Burr was part of the investigation, and the seed of the dual was planted. If someone as bad-ass as Alexander Hamilton could be gay, we should all be a little more P.C. If only for fear of his riffle retribution. Who would have thought that this fair, smooth skinned darling had the best beard of the lot? Just goes to show, you never can tell.


Addendum: To honor our first 50 days in Durland, I propose a house meeting for Wednesday, 7/11, at 9:00 PM. Please respond in the comments section on this post id you can attend. Whiskey is strongly approved, as are gavels and laser pointers.