Week 3 Power Rankings

Ladies and Gentlemen,


Better late than never, and better not cry. This "week" the committee convened, and ruled harshly. The ranks correspond to the week starting on 5/31 and ending 6/7. Jim Hansen's ghost has collaborated with me on this week's post, since you're all a bunch of muppetulent children.


10: Showers  (UN)
A terrible week for showers. Mike decided to mist minewith shit particles, JP's was clogged for most of the week, Lars' is still broken (thanks in no small part to his negligence) and Mikey and Jeff's has the looming spectre of shit. Not only that, Lars has been reneging on his "every morning" promise. For the potty mouth humour they inspire, showers this week are Lew, the lewd jester.

9: Lars (5)

"Where my Lars at?" became the unofficial anthem of the house. There was a concerted push for Lars' noted absence taking the top spot this week, but the Board decided against it. No one wanted a scenario in which Lars managed to account for a fifth of the power rankings in a week in which he was absent 95% of the time. His room was a mess, the trimmings are still a miss, his life is a mess and he repeatedly stole my power cord. For his ineptitude at cleaning, and life in general, Lars is George the ill fated Janitor, who falls in love with his mop and stops using it. Also, they booth look eerily like Paul Giamatti, Lars' celebrity doppelganger.

8: Offensive Noises(UN)

The house was full of them this week. JP's singing, the bevy of farting, the shower being turned on while Mikey cleaned the plunger. Offensive Noises earns the honor of the Moopets, the knock off version of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem from The Muppets movie.

7: Keyan (UN)

I'm a little shocked that he isn't higher, sicne he's managing to be a key player in the house without paying a single cent of rent. He's on the board game tracker, and has more days in attendance than Lars. However, I have much higher expectations from someone who's working a 20 hr a week job, and isn't paying rent. Keyan, it's time for you to start pulling your own weight around here. For your ever-friendly demeanor and constant output of not-so-funny jokes, the board deems you to be Fozzie.

6: Mike (1)

A rather big drop off for Mikey this week, since he didn't have the chance to pay his way to the one spot. Instead, the "Constant Gardener" spent a solid week neglecting a prisoner of war tomato plant and leaving the lawn to go to seed. He couldn't come up with a single reason he deserved to defend his title, and frankly, neither could the board. Add in the jazz piano interpretations of amercian classics, and the Bruce Springsteen singalongs and I think it's clear which muppet he gets.
Rowlf, your week was pretty awful.

 5: Alemania (UN)

Also known as "Ze Germans," Germany had a middle of the road week. More efforts to ease investor panic and exert control over the eurozone, without even considering a growth strategy. Florida took its crown as the center for cannibalism, and they look to be in the middle of pack of their qualifying group in the Euros. It's not wonder we haven't had an urge to get Funky. Germany gets the most "meh," of all the muppets. Can't love him, cant hate him... he's important, but not charsimatic. Herr Kermit it is.

4: Zack (4)

Batting cleanup once again, I kept the food coming in plenty supply. However, my room has often looked better, I got a ticket for neglecting my tabs, I haven't been the boyfriend I should to Amanda and it took me 4 days too long to post these power rankings. I've been so utterly consumed by my hunger, for Diablo and for food, and I've been neglecting the important day to day minutia. The Board decided that due to my overly id mindset, and my hairy, hairy back, me ANIMAL!


3: Jeff (6) 

A big step up for Jeff, he had a number of successes, but they all came with qualifiers. He got a job... but it starts at 5:30. He pulled off our first case of indecent exposure... but it was poorly executed, and ended it up as a neglected goat without a herder to watch it. He brought the dishes from his house... but they have an absurd print on them. The board recognizes what you've done, but you certainly had room for growth. For your often-failing, attention-seeking, seemingly random and childish fits, you are annointed Ms. Piggy.

 2: J.P. III (7)

A big step up for J.P. He had his test, spent the most hours in the house of anyone not named Jeff, and is well on his way to earning a Megazord starship and impress Eve enough to eat the apple. I think that's what his video game is about. J.P. 3 had a C.P. 3 type week. He played like a good, almost great point guard, distributing the ball around and making it easier for others to shine. He helped cook, clean, haul wood for Mikey, pulled screws and nails and basically did work. His girlfriend even almost ate some food! He's still neglecting his own room, but the board is looking at advanced sabermetrics, and isn't concerned with individual stats. In terms of value added and WOAR, JP had a monster week. He gets a Gonzo, for his daring stunts and skills on brass.

1: Negligence (1)

I neglected my room, my lovely girlfriend, and the power rankings.

Jeff neglected his balls, Mikey neglected his yard, JP neglecte his room and Lars neglected everything house related. We don't have a chore chart, and we haven't contacted utlities. The workers next door negligently shot a nail in their knee, and two puppies ran away due to a lack of diligence, and ended up in our house for a while. Excellence happens when no one else is watching. The Board is always watching. They are displeased. Our lack of execution has come in at the top spot, and the humour of negligence which has been permeating our house is forever known as the muppet Dr. Bunsen, a close colleague of Dr. Dirty. Let's step up our games, before we blow the house up.

The board would like to thank you for your time and hard work this week. If you have any comments or thoughts, please leave them on this blog, or the tackboard. Suggestions on how to move up in the power rankings for next week include, but are not limited to: writing a house theme song, making an equitable chore chart, coming up with a usable and unanimously approved house name, finding furniture for the study, finishing the garden beds, cleaning the garage, pooping in Mike or Jeff's shower, fixing the oven or buying any useful, shared goods for the house with or without remibursement- or devising a system to equitably reimburse those who do.