Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's another rendition of the Durland Power Rankings! Read on, if you dare. It was a stellar week for the house in general, and in honor of this, the Board has decided to procure the assistance of some famous folks from quite afar.
My wonderful dream, of a dynamic writer/reader pool providing thoughtful and provocative self reflective text on an open forum, has stalled. We have the resources. We have the capabality. But there appears to be no demand. Perhaps my own flawless lunch/break compositions are monopolizing the market. Perhaps you are all less literate than you appear. But I'm still the only poster on this blog, and the only comment from one of you was a terse meetup offer from Lars, which showed that he hadn't checked the calendar. In honor of this lame "out of touch-ness with new media", the Cross Platform Synergization with Multidirectional Content Streams in our house gets a fatty Superman. So much potential. So much "meh."
9: Netherlands (UN)
A rough week for the Dutch. Going dutch failed, since we haven’t come up with a good way to distribute the costs of food. The Dutch babies for breakfast were deemed inadequate by the ravenous tandem of JP and Mikey. The Dutch soccer side is on life support, and we still don’t have Dutch cocoa in the pantry. As punishment for coming out against Germany with a cagey two “defensive” middies lineup, the Board has given Netherlands the most heinous and fascinating alien of them all, Jan Ullrich.
8: “Music?” (UN/8)
“Music?” is my term for noises which are almost rhythmic or melodic in nature. Similar to Offensive Noises last week. There have been a number of them recently. My drums. JP’s weird house remixes of shitty rap songs, Michael’s Karly Ray Jepson cover medley…. It’s been a bad week for us musically. Let’s pick it up. I’ll mute my drums, Mikey can chatter his 88 teeth and JP can blow spittle in his brass hole. To help inspire us, the Board has sent our greatest contemporary alien musician, Lil Wayne.
7:Board Games (UN)
A resurgence for board games. We knew it was inevitable that they’d crack the top 10, but they managed to do it in the first month. Well done boardies. We have yet to play Settlers, which is absurd, but Dome has provided the inspiration for a potential house name. “The Outpost.” It has dominion heritage, speaks to our frenzied activity, hints at how far away the house is from the rest of Seattle, perched atop Lake Washington… it’s a solid name. Regardless, “Board Games” are on the rise, and deserve a spot in the top 10, as well as this picture of the most cerebral Alien in pop culture not named Brainiac. As Yoda tells Luke in the picture above, "In board games, and in life, there is no try, only Dome. So 4 already you must buy, bitch."
6: Socializing (UN)
It was a mixed bag for socializing this week. We had a party, but it was more of a very drunken hang out. You guys all seem to be engaging in a communal activity, but it’s LOL. I’m conflicted. We’ve seen some great quality time over the last week, and the Board wants to reward it, but there’s serious concern about the LOLing. If this house devolves into a LOLden, it’ll scare of foreign investors and create a serious shock to the market. Socializing receives the most socialist alien, a zergling.
5: Jeff (3)
Jeff took a slight tumble last night, when he Auschwitzed twice. He may have won a dot in P-Grid, but he lost one in life-wins. In addition, his productivity took a steep drop. He went from bringing in a job and a complete set of dishes to bringing up the rear on these power rankings. He couldn’t find the time to go see Prometheus, and Mikey usurped the title of most Carly Ray Jepson obsessed from him. put bluntly: Jeff was out-Jeffed. However, any time you crack the top 5, you can’t be too upset. For his adoration of the very young Ms. Jepson, Jeff gets (to catch a) Predator.
4: Lars (9)
A huge momentum shift, as Lars went from the basement to a median score. The 4 spot’s nothing to be ashamed of, and he could have soared even higher this week if not for strong showings by others on the top of the charts. Lars, despite almost never being home, was eerily relevant. Gary and Greta came over twice during this 7 day stretch. Lars managed to use what I have to believe was a tesseract doorframe to get his Ikea Desk in his room, and most impressively, he managed to go to Ikea with Natalie without getting in a fight. He volunteered to help teach me excel, and almost seemed sincere. But his biggest win came with the Kitchenaid-not only is it always wise to be nice to the guy who poisons or not-poisons your food, but it showed that Lars wants to contribute. For his quixotic relevance despite not actually doing anything, Lars is Alf.
3: JP (2)
Buying 300 pounds of weights, building the garden beds, making multiple batches of cookies and getting seriously involved in fantasy football again. JP was a busy Ballard Beaver this week. He got some. JP, it’s 5:00 in the morning. Are you working? You should be. GET SOME. He continues to wear essentially the same, bright warm-ups, but if not for his bizarre wardrobe decisions he might have leapfrogged into the top 2. GET SOME!!! For your hyperactivity and unfortunate clothing, you’re the greatest alien to play in the NBA… Dennis Rodman.
Let’s see… he brought a rice cooker home, made a bunch of Korean salads, built the garden bed, worked at Ivars and came home to the Eurocup. So his life consisted of
1: Working in the back of house of a restaurant.
2: Making ethnic food
3: Watching soccer
4: Landscaping
5: Construction.
Mikey, your work ethic was admirable and as the list above shows, you deserve to be America’s favorite Alien… the collective “Illegal Aliens” that do 95% of our nations work.
1: Working in the back of house of a restaurant.
2: Making ethnic food
3: Watching soccer
4: Landscaping
5: Construction.
Mikey, your work ethic was admirable and as the list above shows, you deserve to be America’s favorite Alien… the collective “Illegal Aliens” that do 95% of our nations work.
1: Zack (4)
Some might consider it egotistical, but I spent the week making a crazy amount of food, buying the drums, hosting Nathan’s party, going toe-to-toe with Jurgen Klinsman’s moonshine Jaegger, working overtime and pushing the “every night is board game night” policy. I planned another get together at our house (Tuesday) and did extensive fantasy football research, all while keeping my head above water at work. I averaged about 4 hours of sleep a night this week, and aint crashing yet. However, this feels very much like the bubble about to burst. For my hubris and constant condescension, I give myself Zaphod Beeblebrox. A quick run down on Zaphod, for those not in the know. He's described as "hedonistic and irresponsible, narcissistic almost to the point of solipsism, and often extremely insensitive to the feelings of those around him," "the best Bang since the Big One" and serves as the president of the galaxay, "a role that involves no power whatsoever, and merely requires the incumbent to attract attention so no one wonders who's really in charge." There's really no argument how apt that description is. Updated Cumulative Totals:
Lars: 6
Jeff: 5
JP: 4
Mikey: 4
Zack: 3.3
The Board would like to thank all of you for participating this week. Many of the suggestions for bonus points from last week are still available, and the Board is going to take some drastic actions to attempt to prop up this blog. The first person other than me to write and submit a substantive post for this blog will guarantee himself a spot in the top 4 next week.
That's not a zergling, that's a hydralisk.
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