Weeks 3 & 4 Power Rankings

Week 3 and 4 AD

I do not celebrate Christmas, since Christmas is indifferent to me and will occur regardless of my exaltations. I do, however, make note of it, and am not immune to its earthly charms of nutmeg and impromptu candy. The rest remains a slow con gone right, and I am perpetually a mark. During Christmas, in response to some telluric current of Christianity, a room which previously contained rational actors will burst into spontaneous and poorly harmonized song, the lyrics for which I never know. So that I may avoid the significant social calamity which not singing would entail, I pitchily mumble a jumble of “Christmassy” words. Jesus reindeer candles pork-fat, deeply discounted consumer electronics, babies in hay.

Multiple Iterations of Santa

Multiple Iterations of Santa

This is to say, Christmas is many things to many people. The above describes my previous experiences with the holiday. For Amanda, Christmas is a high-baroque exaltation which takes roughly 35 days in fullness. For Jeff, it is an earnest night and day spent toiling to preserve silence with his parents. For Lars it presumably entails oily fish being lit on fire. These Christmases employ different decorations, foods and even (in the case of our Grecco friends) dates. It should come as no surprise, then, that they also draw upon different mythological beings. Just as there are multiple iterations of Santa in different countries, here in America there are multiple, often ignored members of his Reindeer corps. To honor these overlooked beasts of mirthful burden, the Board is proud to present week 3 A.D.’s power rankings, brought to you by the Scandinavian History Museum’s new 3-d exhibit, “Beyond Prancer: Second Tier Reindeer Painted on Old Growth Stumps.”

 

1: Christmas

Peerless among holidays, Christmas barged into our abode like a L'wha, with Amanda the fierce Mambo, and our living room a ritualist. Christmas possess us, strews out tinsel and kitsch, and right before we seriously consider adding syrup to our protein shakes, leaves us in a frigid huff. 

Christmas is a perversion, is a happening, is something which every avenue of America must position itself in reference to. This can be shown through countless Christmas specials on tv or radio, through Christmas albums, through Michael Bobleau/bubbles/bobble, through the preamble to this blog post. One cannot remain passive towards Christmas- the available attitudes towards it resemble a graph of  1/x, with antipodes of "Grinch" and "Sufjan Stevens."

Christmas, that pervasive haunt, is bestowed the Red Sleigh Down Team, in honor of its ability to co-opt even our most pure American tradition: vulgar animated TV.

 

2: Hannah

Here's a trivia question: Who, in a house full of potential Trivia Superstars, has netted the most house value from their arcane knowledge? If you haven't figured out this leading question by now, the answer is most certainly not you. Hannah went wit to wit, nerd to nerd with a potentially very stoned employee at Rick's Trees and Tits. We walked away with a free tree and our dignity intact. A rare feat when you go to Rick's.

In addition to this, Hanna has committed to joining our work out crew, and is attending the Thursday 3-D showing of The Hobbitses.

The house's original power couple is still reigning from their subterranean particle board throne.  For her continues excellence in the seeking of adorable animal videos, and for her shocking ability to adjust to seemingly inhospitable environments, Hanna is represented by Olive, from the 1997 Children's Book and 1999 TV Special, Olive, the Other Reindeer. Olive is a Dog, who mistakes a news report about an injury Blitzen suffers as a help wanted ad, and through intrepid cuteness and bravery, saves Christmas.

3: Amanda

The Board approves of the arduous parts, the slow, load bearing pieces of labor which make up our lives. The board approves of timeliness, of routine, and of all other psychic maneuverings to increase productivity. The Board approves of soup.

Amanda's newly instituted Soup Rule (one day a week, she will make a large pot of soup) was well received by all but a lone maverick, who felt that eating soup once a week would confine him. "There are already too many damn rules!" He yelled at a nearby chair, while planning his next buzz of the fly tower.

Amanda also provided the Christmas decorations (one Nordic gremlin aside) and, lest we forget, suffers us Dominion. As the  her lab job is delayed, her Time in House stats are rivaling only those of pre-career Jeff.

One Nordic gremlin aside

Most impressively, though, Amanda has aligned with the rest of our workout crew, and is now a member of The Plyometrics, our post-pop Finnish Electronica band. For her quirky and loveable irreverence, Amanda is Pedro (from the song Donde Esta Santa Claus.)

4: JP:
The power ranking powerhouse, JP has little else to do but thrash these (pseudo) weekly sortings. This week, he built a compost bin. He helped in tree acquisition. He cleaned the house, and I mean CLEANED the house, and he even called upon his father to aid him in his time of need.

At some point, though, the Board wants more. The board wants trumpet blares at 5:00 AM. The Board wants booby traps all over the basement. Your humanitarian side is not in question, sire. You're generous in time and energy, as is evident by the "let's get you less fat" workouts you lead.

But we want the madness that you promised, the spontaneity. I think that your recent porch side chat with Lars may have laid bare some deeply buried fears. That tax regulations and middle-men marching to the bureaucratic bore drums will stamp out all of your genius schemes. I hope that you express this fear in the only healthy way: humorous pranks. To inspire you, your alternative reindeer is from the inveterate prankster/comedian/country star Joe Diffie.

5: Toasters and Trashcans

Cylons and compost bins, mixed drinks and bagels. The last two weeks had an absurdly high index for toasters and trashcans. The board's rationale for pairing them follows.

1: They are both frequently aluminum sided.

2: They are both very frustrating to clean.

3: They are both frequently found in a kitchen.

Michael, the board would like to make this abundantly clear: these two items should no be combined. If the fetid alchemy of decomposition is not enough to warm your rotten gruel, just leave it in Lars' bathroom to be steamed like a humba. Do not put your molding compost into the toaster. Put it in the new compost bin, and let it be returned to the earth to rise as food again, zombie style.

Speaking of which, Bob Dylan. Or his re-animated corpse. Whichever wrote the 2009 version of "Must Be Santa" which included a line at the end, replacing the normal list of reindeer with "Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon… Carter,  Reagan, Bush and Clinton."

6: Mikey

If you're looking for Michael to come through for you on trivia, I can tell you where to find him. At the exact point in a Venn diagram where three separate friend zones overlap. Seriously, Mikey. An otherwise stellar fortnight compromised because you, YOU, couldn't be bothered to arrive at trivia.

For shame.

To aide you in your intrepid treks across the barren wasteland of Friendzonia, I bestow upon you Clyde, the camel, from Ray Stevens' song Santa Claus is Watching You, and Ahab the Arab.

7: Keyan

You appear in our lives like a blinding brilliant flash, and are gone just as quickly. Your transmuted pumpkin van may revert back after 9:30, and the pumpkin bread you make is very much appreciated. However fleeting as your appearances may be, we hold our bated breath and wait for moar. 

You are the original version of Donner and Blitzen, Donder and Blitzen. Dutch for "Thunder and Lighting." 

8: Jeff

          Like a CEO, you were given the complete reins on a lofty project. The docking has stalled. Our second week went without docks. Christmas is a stressful time, full of petty and passive aggressive opportunities for docks. I'm not telling you how to do your job. It's yours. If you need to get creative and create incentives, do it. Docking is a great responsibility  It is your responsibility. Make it work. In honor of the artistic creativity that will be necessary, I bestow upon you Adolph, the racially pure reindeer from a 1993 puppet play.

9: Lars

 I asked for creative and quirky pranks. You made a mess. Like a tempestuous infant, you acted impulsively and with no regard for those you hurt. Also, you missed a workout. Your strange oscillation between Durland and Elsewhere has been shifted, so that you now "conveniently" miss workouts. Strange that you would do so immediately upon Amanda's entrance into the workout arena. For being too afraid to be outlifted by Amanda, you are Glossie. Frank L. Baum's reindeer, who modern LGBTQ theorists speculate to be a pansexual New York night club fanatic.

10: Zack

Reaping what one sows. In this fortnight you were caught goofing off at work, and as a result, were unable to write a power ranking post for two weeks. Two Weeks. Israel could take over the entire Middle East in the amount of time it took you to even come up with a list of 10 . You have been checking the status on your law school apps like a junior high girl waiting for an invite to the dance. Lets hope that the big announcement you have planned for Saturday helps inspire more action out of you.

You receive Blintzen, the Jewish reindeer. An abomination of Universal Bunk.

Bottom Billion: Ben Conway
You, Sir, are fraud. You claim to like basketball, and yet you do not hoop with us. You claim to like board games, yet you refuse to join our nerdery on dominion. This is the awkward unveiling of our sexual fetishes. We're past the stage of sugar coating missionary and pretending to be satisfied. We are into some weird ass shit. Don't trivialize it. Either sterilize your forearm and join us, or break it off now. For your fear of committing to Online Dominion, you get Nico, the illegitimate son of Prancer, from the TV special The Flight Before Christmas.