Power Rankings: Week 1 AD

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This.

Also, This.

With a little of This.

This is how change happens. All of a sudden, quite rapidly, something which once seemed impossible is now quite obviously true.

I'm not speaking of the recent sweep of queer-rights initiatives, or the plurality of states which now recognize the bond between a man and his bong. The blog is back.

The Dockmaster has risen. Jeff, climbing out of the pit like Batman, has brought us into a new age. An enlightened age. I bring you, Durland House Power Rankings... for Week 1 Anno Dockmaster (AD).

1: Jeff    
      A deep an ancient stirring, a will to create. A sense of obligation. An presterously proportioned penis. Something arose from within Jeff today. Something monstrous and beautiful. I don't need to tell you that he wrote one of the greatest posts this blog has seen to date, or that he singlehandedly brought back the blog. All I need to say is this: game recognize game. I've learned a few things about Jeff in our half dozen of months of cohabitation. He is more than he appears.
Jeff gives graciously of his time and energy, volunteering as a wrestling coach for his high school.
Jeff performs his familial obligations, giving thoughtful presents to his mother on her birthday.
Jeff plays tenacious and precise defense.
Jeff would rather eat out his mother's butt than be double teamed by his brother and father.
He's also evil. Evident in the fact that the previous dilemma of incest was his own invention. Along with the cabin of corpses. He's twisted in a way that we can't directly look at. I believe, almost hope, that this dockmaster gimmick is a troll. I'm not sure if he's real. But if he's more than a figment of our collected anguished minds, we're in serious trouble.

2: B-Con
The trope of the maddened artist, who touches the deep void of darkness in order to report back his findings. Ben Conway, the inveterate story teller, lives his life to retell it. His party was one such occasion  The board has been kind to Mr. Conway in his first week. For him, attendance with beard was enough for a sterling rating. Part of this is due to the expectation of stories to come. Enchant us, Ben, with your indulgent narratives of a foreign land called, "California."


3: Amanda

The board has always strongly weighted the participation section of its weekly assessments. Amanda has been present more than almost any house member. Her time spent here may have been directed towards peculiar pursuits (analyzing poop for fat, watching "Friday Night Lights, wallowing in cocoons by the fire.) But it was spent here, damnit. Just showing up is half of the grade. Amanda has shown that she can readily adapt to the peculiar microculture of Durland. She even played dominion. The kid gloves are still on, but for now, this was a very solid week. Factor in the beef stew on the stove and rolls in the oven, and it's clear that the board was not biased in this ranking.

4: Fire

"A dangerous servant, and a fearful master." -George Washington

"We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it." - Tennessee Williams

America has long had a fascination and fear of this plasma. We have, collectively, ventured into terrifying and  warm new waters. Lets hope it's due to thermal springs, and not us pissing ourselves. Fire has captivated Durland, and we are drawn to this phenomena. Currently, we hope to control it like Francis Bacon. Perhaps all we can do is attempt to contain it, and avoid conflagration.

5: JP

A man of many talents. his great power may come from his ability to redirect and reorganize natural, telluric currents of energy. His multiphasal sleep. His propensity with fire. His keen eye for interior decoration and landscaping. His badass costume at the party. This week, JP enlightened us with track lighting and fire. For his frequent and disturbing sound scapes, JP is given Frank Zappa. Who else could represnt the eerie power JP exudes? Zappa defies you to trivialize him. Zappa is an old knowledge in a new terry suit. Likewise, JP III.

6: Zack

Many of Zack's accomplishments this week were tied to JP's. He provided great bounties of wood for the fire. He aided and abetted in the track lighting. He provided the impetus and support for the mural. He planned and coordinated the party. Each of these, however, depended upon the labors of others. Each of these projects resulted in a product which challenged the expectation of what was to be delivered. You wanted fire wood? Here's a smashed up dresser. You wanted a mural? Here's a room-sized piece of street art. Want a party? How about a shitshow, with dolphins. His value added was shockingly low, this post excluded. Let's hope that with law school apps wrapping up, he'll be more available for public input, and that he'll take on more new projects.

7: Glasser
Loving him unconditionally is nearly impossible. Hating him constantly is almost as difficult. But in any given moment, you will do one of the two. He is a roman candle in a trapeze artists' hand. He is a heavy, wooden sign on a lake, reading "thin ice." He is a self fulfilling prophecy of doom. He is a self contained party.
The house has now known Glasser, and came out singed but not immolated. He is a force of entertainment might. He has crazy eyes. He may or may not have ties to organized crime. He will most assuredly fight off dementia in his waning years. There will be bad biopics and good books inspired by his life. He will indirectly and directly cause thousands upon thousands of pregnancies.

8: Mikey
The board, as has been stated previously, is a big fan of the blog. And it certainly read JP's seminal post regarding the various housemates failures. Zack's low ranking is in part because he has not yet remedied the very real criticisms brought forward in this document. Mikey's ranking is because it's gotten worse.

First, the good. He secured what might have been Durland's first non-dating booty call with Camera/Cam'ron/Cameroon/Macaroon. In addition, he played well in basketball. Yet he is still fighting demons in his sleep, as he struggles to construct e a meaningful narrative for himself. He is now an assistant manager at a fast food restaurant. I believe that he is currently embarking on a deconstructionist project, stripping away conceptions of success and failure and attempting to find intrinsic motivations for his labor. Such logotherapy is hard, and the transitional states are messy. Until Mikey finds his meaning, he'll continue to have low rankings. A man who sleeps through a workout in front of a fire is not a man possessed. Mikey, find your meaning.

9: Lars
The top 8 this week were tightly clustered. The gap between Mikey and Lars is far greater than the cardinal difference suggests. Lars, you pulled a Lars. You were absent a vast majority of the week. Your costume was original, but lacked any degree of commitment. A simple pillow in the shirt would have helped; even a "Hello, my name is Bruno" name tag. Instead, you looked like an overdressed stripper or an underdressed Uncle Moneybags.
You've been given a differential diagnosis by JP. And Mr. Frankl, above, can help you cure it. This medicine is distilled from hard work and serious introspection, though. As far as the board is concerned, you are a partial citizen of Durland. You seem to have accepted this role, as an often maligned source of contempt. We want more. You have pressing obligations to Nat and your family. Do not let these overshadow your duty to house and friends.

10: Keyan

The hyperbole with which the board decreed that Lars is only a partial citizen was simply that: hyperbole. You, Keyan, though not a rent paying member of the house, are a full fledged member of the rankings. You continue to seem conflicted by this fact. This house, like so many eligible single women, is begging for you. The basement yearns for you, yet you spurn it. You arrived at the party in a half assed costume, without a single guest. You seem like a man attempting to be multiple men. You are the classic Platonic paradox, the many or the one. Are you a guestlike house member or a house-member like guest. Unlike Virginia, the board will not lower its expectations. And, since the hallowed Dockmaster has vested you full partnership, the has granted you full responsibility. Stop running. Come home.

Bottom Billion: Acrasia

Man is the naming machine. We taxonomize and categorize, attempting to control our environment. This week, JP named the stagnant malaise which had settled among us, like a dampening fog. Acrasia, he called it. And as he spoke the word, it was as if the fog had lifted. In a moment of magical bizarro-Beattlejuice-ism, the affliction departed. Lars lifted this week. Keyan partied. Zack finished his long procrastinated apps. Mikey studied at a library. The projects we had planned for this house all came to fruition, culminating with Jeff writing a blog post. Acrasia, we know your name. We shall inscribe the name of three angles on an amulet, and drape it across our genitals. We will use black magic and black coffee to defeat your damp ennui. Never again shall you dominate the Durland. Unless, of course, Jeff reneges on his Docking duties. Your earthly manifestation, a being of pure gripe and passivity, has been banished to the far regions of our house. We free women and men of Durland shall not stay hidden and unproductive.