Week 6 Power Rankings

Week 6 Power Rankings

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The obsession with productivity in America has gone too far. It's led, bizzarely, to underemployment. It's led to countless domestic disputes, and the Board believes that it's skewed the results of our power rankings. Much like the Mormons in 1978, the Board has had a synod, and has come out of a smokey opium den with a "this-changes-everything" paradigm shift.

Work to live, don't live to work. Some of our housemates have exemplified this platitude. Others are going gray before they're halfway out of their thirties. In honor of this new focus on enjoyment, this weeks power rankings are brought to you by Hasbro, BrettSpiel, Days of Wonder and the rest of the Board Game world.

Another change resulting from the meeting of the elders... I mean, Board... is the introduction of the Bottom Billion. It's the opposite of the top 10. If a house mate ever hits BB status, we'll need to seriously debate an Anne Frank exile.

1: Jeff 

Exemplifying the new mindset of making work work for him, Jeff has managed to rock, roll and troll without working a single day. To be fair, he almost turned himself into a regular steady Eddy 40 hr a week gent, but the whims of his employer-to-be decreed otherwise. Jeff's days consist of, as far as I can tell, LOLing and Trolling. And yes, I know, he's also reading cisco stuff and looking for a job, but he does it with the effortless panache of the great and gone true amateur athletes, or the current crop of amateur pornstars. He makes it seem as if each moment justifies itself, not in money, but in some intrinsic and much more direct value.

2: Significant Others 

Amanda made a strong visit at the house, and Natalie and Hanna were both in attendance as well. Include whatever piece of ass is keeping Mikey in America, and Gabe (which may be redundant) and we had almost twice again our normal population thanks to the SO Multiplier. They dictated many aspects of our day to day operations, from which games we could play to when and what we ate. The SO's exerted their soft power, and for that, they're in the sweet second spot.

3: PIGS PIGS means many things... from the Iberian and Aegean nations which are ruining the Euro to the porcine monsters who root in the mud. This was a very solid week for the PIGS, as a whole, though it was not without some ups and downs. On the positive side, Italy and Spain are playing for the Euro championships. Not only that, Portugal went as far as they could without tramping on the feet of a fellow porker, and Greece improbably advanced out of group play and  even spent thirty minutes tied with the once mighty Germans. On the down side, we've been eating a strong amount of bacon, and the Germans have already won the real European competition. The PIGS had a good, but not great week. And week 7 will be solid as well, unless The Germans invade Polkraine again this tomorrow. For mastering the arcane game of loan forgiveness and default, I give to the PIGS what was already theirs. 

4: JP Similar to Jeff, JP in many ways exemplifies the mantra of "make work work for you." He makes his bank teaching chess, collecting rent, and god only knows what else. The rest of the time he spends making erector set beds, playing "beats" and dreaming up ways to make more money with even less work. The Thomas Edison of our home, our Menlow Park basement is becoming more and more his own little lab. And he is stepping up in a big way in the kitchen. For his meticulous focus on his little obsession, JP's gets the four spot, and Warhammer.

5: Mikey AKA The Great White Mope. He works his ass off, busing to and from his back of house restaurant job, for shekels and apple slices. He drastically underbills his services as an English tutor, out of what I can only imagine is some Marxist exaltation of labor over spoils. Yet he must have some enduring passion which is rooting him here in the Emerald City. He could have spent a summer in Japan, essentially for free. For some reason he declined. He decided to stay here, and be a member of the house. It shows commitment. It shows dedication. It shows that something is going on behind the scenes. For turning down the same, Mikey gets Ticket to Ride.

6: Zack The board has seen the frenetic activity and lack of sleep that I've been putting in recently, and it has a clear and concise message: Calm the fuck down. Instead of working so hard, I ought to work smarter. It wasn't a terrible week for me... Amanda came to visit, I partied without getting hammered and got a shit ton of milk on the cheap. It seems like blog participation is still strong, and I managed to eek out a few clutch board game wins. But laying these spoils in front of me, and comparing them to my efforts? It's an inefficient system, with slough and runoff aplenty. My frenetic scramble for growth has given me Scrabble, the most Sisyphean game that there is.

7: Lars Mr.Shower on the Hour is the personification of  the workaholicism which the Board is standing against this week. He may enjoy it, he's surely good at it, but where will he be in 20 years?  When the happiness he found in the low hanging fruit of his earlier conquests fades, and he looks out at the barren landscape, and he things of the vast emptiness he has to fill with all this lack? He'll be in the suburbs. And he won't have a single game in his cabinet, except for an artisianally crafted Mancala set, which is not for playing with. It is for looking at, from a vast and lonely distance.

8: Keyabe My term for the special guest stars of the week... this dynamic duo spent more time at our house than Lars, and played far more board games. Keyan's living the good life, and working only a few hours a week. Gabe, on the other hand, is busting his butt off. Writing grants, teaching, studying... he's certainly the reason why our local celebrity couple has dropped so low. Good men, and good sports. Any time you can crack the top 10 of a house you don't even live in, you've got to feel good. But if you're going to be the comedic relief neighbor next door of this sitcom, we'll need a little bit more from ya. For their stellar performance in the same game, they receive a brand new picture of a box of Pictionary. 

9: Seattle Sports Terrance Ross going number 8 in the NBA draft, The Seattle Sports Arena Complex being even closer to a done deal, Felix pitching another gem... it's nothing to be excited about, but it's certainly worth recognizing. Week in and week out, year after year, the Mariner's can't hit, but our star pitcher shines (and is inevitably traded.) Our overly philosophical political mechanism gets in the way of major projects. UW basketball players are drafted too high. It all seems so ho-hum, but let's look at it this way: these small moments are like the pointillian splotches which make up a Signac painting of the Seattle Sports landscape. For the reassurance of always being there, even if its rarely ever used, Seattle Sports gets Settlers.

10: Hygiene Gabe's tell-all "this is why I don't clean up after masturbating" really tells you all you need to know. We fart, we stink, we are not, in any sense of the word, "clean." Yet we have no confirmed cases of food poisoning (yet) and have also managed to stave off any communicable diseases other than STD's. So, top ten... but bottom of it. Sorry. 

Bottom Billion: Alemania This is, of course, relative. Germany has a very poor week by German standards. And like all German Standards of Excellence, those are very high. But being beaten by the Itallians, and then outmaneuvered politically by the PIGGS? That's a bad week. To help inspire them to their next, inevitable, world conquest I'm going to give them the only game with the stakes they want. 

Week 5 Power Rankings

Ladies and Gentlemen,

There has been, recently, much discussion about the existense/non-existence of the board.

Well, this week's rankings are being brought to you by the Chairman of the Board himself.

10: Sleep Many of us slept too much, too little, or sporadically this week. I ended up having dramatic swings of less than 4 hours on the weeknights, and then 10 hours on weekends. My heavy heeled mornings caused JP to have similar hours. Perhaps it's the now readily avaliable insant coffee, or the continuing influence of black tea, but we're all looking a little ragged around the edges. Perhaps we need less board games. Or, better yet, less equivocating about board games and wasted time not setting up the eventual, inevitable, nightly Dominion. Regardless, I'm going to try to push for more effectively sleeping in the wee small hours of the morning.

9: Flatulence

The  rumble from down under has been usurping our home. It seems like the carbon emissions in Durland need regulations, or a cap and trade style system. My theory is that the amount of farting is flat, but the pride with which our Streisand Songs are sang is rising. Let me write the final words: farting is not funny or clever. Farting is farting. It is like studying or reading trashy literature. Best done alone, in shame, and only when you have to.

8: Zack

This was, I hope, the worst week I'll have. I drove often, cooked rarely, cleaned my room and folded my laundry not-at-all. It was emphatically awful. I was studying, and stressed, and work was poor. But so are my excuses. The fact that I have two days to write the next power rankings should be proof of how inefficient I was this week. At times, my hectic and frenzied attempts at perfection fall starkly short. It's all or nothing at all, and this week it was the later.

7:Kourosh

Wasted on Saturday and oven fixed on Tuesday. He has a new carport, a newly graduated daughter and came through in the clutch, providing us with round the clock baking without compromising too many cabinets. However, it took him forever to get the oven fixed, and we are no longer able to use the drawer formerly known as our knife drawer.

6: Racism

Jeff's failed attempt at drawing "dark" in pictionary highlighted just how racist this week was. George and I devolved into a huge, racially motivated argument about fantasy football. Mikey has been forming new stereotypes about the ethnic groups in the Old World, thanks to the Eurocup. Lars is named LARS, for Christ's sake. Guys, we can do better. Let's start judging others and each other based upon whats under our skin.

5: Jeff (5)

Jeff ended this week at the five spot, due to a number of poor choices. He had a strong week for Jeff, manging to rip ass at inoportune moments and continue his streak (pardon the pun) of most offensive house mate. However, he still hasn't reported to work, and the board has serious doubts about whether or not he even has a job.

4: JP (3)

A rather typical week for JP. He cleaned the kitchen, and didn't manage to offend anyone (other than by playing his fratastic music,) but he also disappeared to float down Lake Union with Lars Jim (see Racism, #6.) Perhaps his greatest asset this week has been the almost British regal resignation with his station. He is quietly enduring the almost-adjacent drumming, and our (my) dancing on the ceiling every morning.

3: House Morale

This was an exceptionally chipper week. We had random acts of kindness from housemate to housemate, including those that Mikey and Jeff perform in Cirith Ungol. Everyone was around the house, and we had by far our highest rate of boardgame playing so far. I'd like to think that it's the blog, but it's more likely the medication I've been including in my house wide meals. Or the sun. Regardless, the board is very happy about this warm and fuzziness. Amidst all of the uncertainty in Europe, it's nice to see entitled white people getting along.

2: Mikey (2)

It seems like Mikey's stuck as a bit of a silver surfer, but he'll have to settle with second once again this week. He planted the tomato and basil plants, the latter of which managed to provide basil for our pizza. He participated in the most board games of any house member, by far. He even managed to mow part of the lawn. But the front yard is still untrimmed, and so is his creepy porn-stache. I think he believes this hirsute folly makes him appear wise. It does not.

1: Lars (4)

This was perhaps the most contentious decision the board has made yet. It was a split vote, with the tie breaker going to me, creative. Some of the board members felt that Lars' ineptitude in fiduciary responsibilites made him inelligible for the top spot. Others wanted to respond what Lars clearly demonstrated to be grotesque levels of pandering to the board. He cleaned, he whistled, he provided food and was present. He was willing to do anything for this position. Perhaps he set the bar very low, but Lars' had a great week by the board's standard for any of our housemates. The deciding factor was his willingness to contribute to the blog. Let this be an example for all: pander to the blog, and the blog shall reward you kindly.

Updated Cumulative Totals:

Jeff: 5

Lars: 4.75

Zack: 4.2

JP: 4
Mikey: 2.4

Automate Your Blog

I feel like come the next week's blog rankings I'd easily be sitting in the top four even if I hadn't written this, but guess what?

In all seriousness though I'm all about that automation. Make stuff as easy as possible. Set up a system where you can't fail. Why is followership among those living in The Outpost not what it should be? Because it's not easy enough! Facebook gives you that little red "Notification" button, where's that for this blog?!

I present... Your Little Red Button:

https://www.changedetection.com/

Signing up takes 30 seconds. Everytime the blog is updated... DING... you get an e-mail.

Blog views per month... SKYROCKETS
Participation among house members... THROUGH THE ROOF
Opportunities to post Carly Rae Jepsen  videos... LIMITLESS

Do us all a favor... sign up for your Little Red Button.

-LLP

Week 4 Power Rankings

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's another rendition of the Durland Power Rankings! Read on, if you dare. It was a stellar week for the house in general, and in honor of this, the Board has decided to procure the assistance of some famous folks from quite afar.

10: Cross Platform Synergization with Multidirectional Content Streams  (UN)

My wonderful dream, of a dynamic writer/reader pool providing thoughtful and provocative self reflective text on an open forum, has stalled. We have the resources. We have the capabality. But there appears to be no demand. Perhaps my own flawless lunch/break  compositions are monopolizing the market. Perhaps you are all less literate than you appear. But I'm still the only poster on this blog, and the only comment from one of you was a terse meetup offer from Lars, which showed that he hadn't checked the calendar. In honor of this lame "out of touch-ness with new media", the Cross Platform Synergization with Multidirectional Content Streams in our house gets a fatty Superman. So much potential. So much "meh."

9: Netherlands (UN)

A rough week for the Dutch. Going dutch failed, since we haven’t come up with a good way to distribute the costs of food. The Dutch babies for breakfast were deemed inadequate by the ravenous tandem of JP and Mikey. The Dutch soccer side is on life support, and we still don’t have Dutch cocoa in the pantry. As punishment for coming out against Germany with a cagey two “defensive” middies lineup, the Board has given Netherlands the most heinous and fascinating alien of them all, Jan Ullrich.

8: “Music?” (UN/8)

“Music?” is my term for noises which are almost rhythmic or melodic in nature. Similar to Offensive Noises last week. There have been a number of them recently. My drums. JP’s weird house remixes of shitty rap songs, Michael’s Karly Ray Jepson cover medley…. It’s been a bad week for us musically. Let’s pick it up. I’ll mute my drums, Mikey can chatter his 88 teeth and JP can blow spittle in his brass hole. To help inspire us, the Board has sent our greatest contemporary alien musician, Lil Wayne.

7:Board Games (UN)

A resurgence for board games. We knew it was inevitable that they’d crack the top 10, but they managed to do it in the first month. Well done boardies. We have yet to play Settlers, which is absurd, but Dome has provided the inspiration for a potential house name. “The Outpost.” It has dominion heritage, speaks to our frenzied activity, hints at how far away the house is from the rest of Seattle, perched atop Lake Washington… it’s a solid name. Regardless, “Board Games” are on the rise, and deserve a spot in the top 10, as well as this picture of the most cerebral Alien in pop culture not named Brainiac. As Yoda tells Luke in the picture above, "In board games, and in life, there is no try, only Dome. So 4 already you must buy, bitch."

6: Socializing (UN)

It was a mixed bag for socializing this week. We had a party, but it was more of a very drunken hang out. You guys all seem to be engaging in a communal activity, but it’s LOL. I’m conflicted. We’ve seen some great quality time over the last week, and the Board wants to reward it, but there’s serious concern about the LOLing. If this house devolves into a LOLden, it’ll scare of foreign investors and create a serious shock to the market. Socializing receives the most socialist alien, a zergling.

5: Jeff (3)

Jeff took a slight tumble last night, when he Auschwitzed twice. He may have won a dot in P-Grid, but he lost one in life-wins. In addition, his productivity took a steep drop. He went from bringing in a job and a complete set of dishes to bringing up the rear on these power rankings. He couldn’t find the time to go see Prometheus, and Mikey usurped the title of most Carly Ray Jepson obsessed from him. put bluntly: Jeff was out-Jeffed. However, any time you crack the top 5, you can’t be too upset. For his adoration of the very young Ms. Jepson, Jeff gets (to catch a) Predator.

4: Lars (9)

A huge momentum shift, as Lars went from the basement to a median score. The 4 spot’s nothing to be ashamed of, and he could have soared even higher this week if not for strong showings by others on the top of the charts. Lars, despite almost never being home, was eerily relevant. Gary and Greta came over twice during this 7 day stretch. Lars managed to use what I have to believe was a tesseract doorframe to get his Ikea Desk in his room, and most impressively, he managed to go to Ikea with Natalie without getting in a fight. He volunteered to help teach me excel, and almost seemed sincere. But his biggest win came with the Kitchenaid-not only is it always wise to be nice to the guy who poisons or not-poisons your food, but it showed that Lars wants to contribute. For his quixotic relevance despite not actually doing anything, Lars is Alf.

3: JP (2)

Buying 300 pounds of weights, building the garden beds, making multiple batches of cookies and getting seriously involved in fantasy football again. JP was a busy Ballard Beaver this week. He got some. JP, it’s 5:00 in the morning. Are you working? You should be. GET SOME. He continues to wear essentially the same, bright warm-ups, but if not for his bizarre wardrobe decisions he might have leapfrogged into the top 2.  GET SOME!!! For your hyperactivity and unfortunate clothing, you’re the greatest alien to play in the NBA… Dennis Rodman.

2: Mikey (6)

Let’s see… he brought a rice cooker home, made a bunch of Korean salads, built the garden bed, worked at Ivars and came home to the Eurocup. So his life consisted of 
1: Working in the back of house of a restaurant.
2: Making ethnic food
3: Watching soccer
4: Landscaping
5: Construction. 


Mikey, your work ethic was admirable and as the list above shows, you deserve to be America’s favorite Alien… the collective “Illegal Aliens” that do 95% of our nations work.

1: Zack (4)

Some might consider it egotistical, but I spent the week making a crazy amount of food, buying the drums, hosting Nathan’s party, going toe-to-toe with Jurgen Klinsman’s moonshine Jaegger, working overtime and pushing the “every night is board game night” policy. I planned another get together at our house (Tuesday) and did extensive fantasy football research, all while keeping my head above water at work. I averaged about 4 hours of sleep a night this week, and aint crashing yet. However, this feels very much like the bubble about to burst. For my hubris and constant condescension, I give myself Zaphod Beeblebrox. A quick run down on Zaphod, for those not in the know. He's described as "hedonistic and irresponsible, narcissistic almost to the point of solipsism, and often extremely insensitive to the feelings of those around him," "the best Bang since the Big One" and serves as the president of the galaxay, "a role that involves no power whatsoever, and merely requires the incumbent to attract attention so no one wonders who's really in charge." There's really no argument how apt that description is.

Updated Cumulative Totals:
Lars: 6
Jeff: 5
JP: 4
Mikey: 4
Zack: 3.3

The Board would like to thank all of you for participating this week. Many of the suggestions for bonus points from last week are still available, and the Board is going to take some drastic actions to attempt to prop up this blog. The first person other than me to write and submit a substantive post for this blog will guarantee himself a spot in the top 4 next week.

Mega Metta

Dear Darlings,

I want to encourage the usage of this blog as a meaningful form of communication, and rather than have it exist as nothing but a vehicle for me to piss you all off, I've decided to open up the creative process.

We now have a shared house gmail account, 11337durland@gmail.com

The password is 11337durland.

We'll be able to use a house calendar, more easily share and edit documents, and most importantly, anyone who logs into gmail with 11337durland should be able to post on this blog. The flood gates are open. I except a torrent of silt.

A little background on the name, "Durland." It comes from Britain, way back when, and is derived from the Old English word for "darling." It has a pretty lame family crest, and no notable persons.

Week 3 Power Rankings

Ladies and Gentlemen,


Better late than never, and better not cry. This "week" the committee convened, and ruled harshly. The ranks correspond to the week starting on 5/31 and ending 6/7. Jim Hansen's ghost has collaborated with me on this week's post, since you're all a bunch of muppetulent children.


10: Showers  (UN)
A terrible week for showers. Mike decided to mist minewith shit particles, JP's was clogged for most of the week, Lars' is still broken (thanks in no small part to his negligence) and Mikey and Jeff's has the looming spectre of shit. Not only that, Lars has been reneging on his "every morning" promise. For the potty mouth humour they inspire, showers this week are Lew, the lewd jester.

9: Lars (5)

"Where my Lars at?" became the unofficial anthem of the house. There was a concerted push for Lars' noted absence taking the top spot this week, but the Board decided against it. No one wanted a scenario in which Lars managed to account for a fifth of the power rankings in a week in which he was absent 95% of the time. His room was a mess, the trimmings are still a miss, his life is a mess and he repeatedly stole my power cord. For his ineptitude at cleaning, and life in general, Lars is George the ill fated Janitor, who falls in love with his mop and stops using it. Also, they booth look eerily like Paul Giamatti, Lars' celebrity doppelganger.

8: Offensive Noises(UN)

The house was full of them this week. JP's singing, the bevy of farting, the shower being turned on while Mikey cleaned the plunger. Offensive Noises earns the honor of the Moopets, the knock off version of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem from The Muppets movie.

7: Keyan (UN)

I'm a little shocked that he isn't higher, sicne he's managing to be a key player in the house without paying a single cent of rent. He's on the board game tracker, and has more days in attendance than Lars. However, I have much higher expectations from someone who's working a 20 hr a week job, and isn't paying rent. Keyan, it's time for you to start pulling your own weight around here. For your ever-friendly demeanor and constant output of not-so-funny jokes, the board deems you to be Fozzie.

6: Mike (1)

A rather big drop off for Mikey this week, since he didn't have the chance to pay his way to the one spot. Instead, the "Constant Gardener" spent a solid week neglecting a prisoner of war tomato plant and leaving the lawn to go to seed. He couldn't come up with a single reason he deserved to defend his title, and frankly, neither could the board. Add in the jazz piano interpretations of amercian classics, and the Bruce Springsteen singalongs and I think it's clear which muppet he gets.
Rowlf, your week was pretty awful.

 5: Alemania (UN)

Also known as "Ze Germans," Germany had a middle of the road week. More efforts to ease investor panic and exert control over the eurozone, without even considering a growth strategy. Florida took its crown as the center for cannibalism, and they look to be in the middle of pack of their qualifying group in the Euros. It's not wonder we haven't had an urge to get Funky. Germany gets the most "meh," of all the muppets. Can't love him, cant hate him... he's important, but not charsimatic. Herr Kermit it is.

4: Zack (4)

Batting cleanup once again, I kept the food coming in plenty supply. However, my room has often looked better, I got a ticket for neglecting my tabs, I haven't been the boyfriend I should to Amanda and it took me 4 days too long to post these power rankings. I've been so utterly consumed by my hunger, for Diablo and for food, and I've been neglecting the important day to day minutia. The Board decided that due to my overly id mindset, and my hairy, hairy back, me ANIMAL!


3: Jeff (6) 

A big step up for Jeff, he had a number of successes, but they all came with qualifiers. He got a job... but it starts at 5:30. He pulled off our first case of indecent exposure... but it was poorly executed, and ended it up as a neglected goat without a herder to watch it. He brought the dishes from his house... but they have an absurd print on them. The board recognizes what you've done, but you certainly had room for growth. For your often-failing, attention-seeking, seemingly random and childish fits, you are annointed Ms. Piggy.

 2: J.P. III (7)

A big step up for J.P. He had his test, spent the most hours in the house of anyone not named Jeff, and is well on his way to earning a Megazord starship and impress Eve enough to eat the apple. I think that's what his video game is about. J.P. 3 had a C.P. 3 type week. He played like a good, almost great point guard, distributing the ball around and making it easier for others to shine. He helped cook, clean, haul wood for Mikey, pulled screws and nails and basically did work. His girlfriend even almost ate some food! He's still neglecting his own room, but the board is looking at advanced sabermetrics, and isn't concerned with individual stats. In terms of value added and WOAR, JP had a monster week. He gets a Gonzo, for his daring stunts and skills on brass.

1: Negligence (1)

I neglected my room, my lovely girlfriend, and the power rankings.

Jeff neglected his balls, Mikey neglected his yard, JP neglecte his room and Lars neglected everything house related. We don't have a chore chart, and we haven't contacted utlities. The workers next door negligently shot a nail in their knee, and two puppies ran away due to a lack of diligence, and ended up in our house for a while. Excellence happens when no one else is watching. The Board is always watching. They are displeased. Our lack of execution has come in at the top spot, and the humour of negligence which has been permeating our house is forever known as the muppet Dr. Bunsen, a close colleague of Dr. Dirty. Let's step up our games, before we blow the house up.

The board would like to thank you for your time and hard work this week. If you have any comments or thoughts, please leave them on this blog, or the tackboard. Suggestions on how to move up in the power rankings for next week include, but are not limited to: writing a house theme song, making an equitable chore chart, coming up with a usable and unanimously approved house name, finding furniture for the study, finishing the garden beds, cleaning the garage, pooping in Mike or Jeff's shower, fixing the oven or buying any useful, shared goods for the house with or without remibursement- or devising a system to equitably reimburse those who do.